I wasn't setting out to write a blog post today. I'm not even sure what the topic of this post is yet. What I do know is, it's raining in Bergamo and today is a hard day. Sometimes, being the one giving the advice to clients, to friends, to myself even, gets to be hard. I'm extra grateful today for my friend Daz, whose currently in Australia and a little closer to my time zone. He let me call and just sob on the phone today. I haven't cried since I've gotten here. I think today is a three part series; one part I miss my support system, one part I think some people suck, one part it's Mercury Retrograde. I'm a huge advocate of solo travel, but I have always affirmed that sometimes it can get lonely.
You know when things happen in your past and you skimp by not knowing about them? Well, today a big pile of shit from the end of 2018 got tossed in my lap. When you move on from something, the goal of moving on should be to just leave it all where you left it. There should be an unspoken rule that says "if you don't tell someone about the shitty thing that you did to them after that relationship is dissolved, than don't say anything at all." This revelation has given me a thought about how we unleash our crap on people only for the sake of not feeling guilty ourselves. I've done it countless times myself, most often in relationships with men. I don't know if I agree that honesty is the best policy in all situations. I think that if you do something with intent to hurt someone or even by mistake but know it will hurt someone, you should probably swallow it and live with the guilt that will inevitably follow. Wallow in the pain so that the other person doesn't have to. Unleashing the guilt so that you can feel better, definitely deserves its own special type of karmic repercussion. Maybe this is my karmic repercussion. I feel like R.Kelly totally playing the victim in his interview with Gayle, "I need help! I need someone to help me to not have such a big heart!"
I do this thing here sometimes where I make an "I miss..." list. Today the thing I miss the most is the dance studio. Dance has always been my therapy. If I'm hurting or angry or feeling sexy or happy, I know I can always go dance about it. I have tried three times today to dance about it. I tried renting a studio space, I tried dancing on the roof, I tried dancing in the backyard....NONE OF IT WORKED. So, now I'm writing to you guys. If I have another glass of wine, maybe I'll go dance at the bus stop on my way home. But for now, I'm going to share with you the top 10 contents of my "I miss..." list:
1. I miss ConfiDance Fitness. I miss the lighting in the open Main Studio. I miss my students. I miss the juju.
2. I miss Carne Asada burritos. I solemnly swear to never take El Farolito for granted again.
3. I miss the ocean. I need to book a flight to somewhere near the water, STAT.
4. I miss my friends. If I were there, we would all share a really long embrace and Carne Asada burritos on me.
5. I miss aggressive men. The men here are so shy, I haven't been on a single date here in Italy.
6. I miss my family. Even though they live in OKC, I felt like I was only ever 3 hours away.
7. I miss driving. My favorite thing is a good, loud car jam sesh during NON TRAFFIC hours.
8. I miss my dog Piper. She also lives in OKC, but I'm getting her back as soon as I get home.
9. I miss weed. I smoke before I meditate. I haven't smoked a single time since being here.
10. I miss my apartment. I loved my Zen Den and all of it's tiny 400 sq. ft glory.
Now because I believe in duality, I'm going to also make an "I love..." list:
1. I love the air here. It is crisp and fresh and makes me feel happy to have lungs and not gills.
2. I love how much I walk here. I'm outside all the time and sis can in return, eat ALL the pasta.
3. I love how I'm forced to speak Italian sometimes. "Un caffé per fevere" is my fave phrase.
4. I love the amount of time I spend alone. It makes me really think & appreciate my time with others more.
5. I love Art Daily Specialty Caffé and their cute ass outdoor patio.
6. I love being 9 hours ahead of California. It gives me a real balance.
7. I love my host family and how kind they are. I also love my home here, it's exquisite.
8. I love Italian love. I want a man to be as affectionate to me as the men are here. I want a public booty rub kinda love.
9. I love dogs. Bergamo is so dog friendly and I love seeing all the pups around.
10. I love Italian fashion. It's effortless chic, and I love that we use the word chic here.
I feel a lot better after doing those lists and I'm glad I decided to write this random entry today. It's funny because I am so blessed, grateful, and excited to be here but some days I really do miss home. I'm on this journey to become a better version of myself, to heal from the hurt that we all have, to put a pause on burn out because I'm undeniably a workaholic, but also from using work as a distraction from dealing with my shit. This journey is meant to have pain, loneliness, fear, and sadness as much as it's meant to have joy, adventure, expression, and fun. We can't live a perfect life everyday and pretending that we do won't make it better.
I'm going let go of gravity for a minute and rock where this retrograde takes me. Maybe, on the other side of that black hole is planet of paradise and peace.
Love, light, and lion vibes...
Hey, again. It's Shonna.
I'm one part dance diva, one part sunbeam, and one part lioness. This blog is a highlight reel of my favorite moments, my travels, my dance classes, and my spiritual journey. It is a place for me to express, share, and heal. Through my journey, I hope to inspire, create, and spread happiness. I truly enjoy making others feel good - about themselves, about their circumstances, about life in general. With any dash of hope, maybe you can feel that way too.