As I write this, it's raining in Bergamo. I'm sitting in a café listening to the song Drama by Roy Woods & Drake drinking a glass of Sangiovese with an ironical smile on my face. Drake's opening line in this song says "every lost girl I know is over 26", and as I approach my 27th birthday that very line sits with me a bit differently.
I'm on a journey around the world to find balance and deepen my spiritual resonance. In a sense that eludes to a certain air of lostness. I have lost my sense of familiarity and normality being here, but am gaining a fierce understanding of solitude and independence. I think the area of my life that I've felt most lost and taken the most losses is in love. At this age my parents were married and I was nearing two years old. Not that love or marriage needs to be defined by an age, but in 2019 any glimmer of love in my life starts out as fireworks display and ends as an atomic bomb. My love life has been a series of unfortunate let downs and hopeless escapades that I repetitively try to force into being my ideal situation, no matter how wrong I know they might be for me. I know it's because I'm scared that I won't find my person, but this toxic cycle I've created of falling for the potential I can foster in people has now lead to me writing off any man who comes within arms reach of being interested in me. I can flirt all day. I can show someone my mind with sincere ease. But unmasking myself and showing the bits of me that are tattered and torn is something that I truly struggle with. I live on the surface level with relationships...until last week.
One of my best friend's and I went to Barcelona together. Our love lives often parallel each other and she was telling me the story of a man she's seeing while siting how she feels the need to hold back her joy about the situation. I said to her "I know we're used to being let down, but it's okay to be excited, sis." As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, BOOM, they hit me in the heart space. "I need to take my own damn advice." I immediately started telling her about a man I met in Milan a couple weeks ago. I'm smiling, laughing, recanting stories and she says "look at your face!" We keep talking for another thirty minutes about this man and I tell her a story about a conversation we had on material items vs. experiences. During which I jokingly said, "don't buy me a Celine bag when I can have an African safari" and at that very moment, we look up and we're standing in front of the Celine store on the Passeig de Gràcia. I took that as my sign from the Universe to drop everything and OPEN THE FUCK UP. I couldn't even realize my feelings on my own because I've spent so much time trying to only reveal an inch of myself at a time, masking those feelings with jokes, batting off his compliments with "you're so silly's", while simultaneously finding obscure reasons to cut all of the other men I've been entertaining out of my life. I might actually be smitten and it might actually be scary, but it's okay to be excited, sis.
For those of you that feel like me, my realization comes back around to the art of vulnerability. It's so incredibly scary, but how do we expect to find love if we can't be truly vulnerable? I don't want to be so worried about disappointment that I become jaded and miss out on the chance for true love because I've turned my back on it. Even if this time isn't "it", I feel something that I have neglected myself from feeling for so long. I feel something that I've forced myself to pretend that I feel for so long. I know I'm capable of something more than I've been allowing myself to experience. So, now that it's really here I'm gonna soak it in and let myself fall, because as my "quote of the day" app says, "even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward."
Love, light, and lion vibes,
Hey, again. It's Shonna.
I'm one part dance diva, one part sunbeam, and one part lioness. This blog is a highlight reel of my favorite moments, my travels, my dance classes, and my spiritual journey. It is a place for me to express, share, and heal. Through my journey, I hope to inspire, create, and spread happiness. I truly enjoy making others feel good - about themselves, about their circumstances, about life in general. With any dash of hope, maybe you can feel that way too.