A few months ago, I listened to a podcast that sparked a desire in me to want to go deeper, to take my mask off, and to be real with the little sliver of my world that wants to listen. I think we hold so much shit in behind the ideology of perfection. I don’t have it all figured out. I don’t have it all together. I stress, worry, and everything else like everyone else - but the way perception is set up, we rarely get a glimpse of anyone’s “real”. I started this blog first as a strand of emails, that didn’t go very far because I knew, I needed to be writing this blog. My goal with this is to shed some light on our demons, create an open forum for discussion, learn myself better, and most importantly get to know you beyond surface level. Whatever that means to you. Maybe that means that you reply in the comment section because you just want to see that other people are human too. Maybe you share this with someone you know who needs to see it. Maybe we’re friends in real life, but our conversation has never gotten beyond what we did last weekend. Maybe you’ll know all of my dirty little secrets and I’ll know yours too, or maybe that means it’s a one way street with me blindfolded in the driver's seat. Either way, I’m here to share and I’m here to grow. Writing a blog has made me express in a very vulnerable way. I have realized this is tough stuff, digging beyond surface level and sharing it with others knowing you’ll be judged. Because “no judgement” is an illusion, we just have to get to the point that we are no longer worried about it.
So, about that sex. Here we go....
I slept with someone I shouldn’t have. And then, another. And then, another.
Maybe this feels like commonplace for you, but growing up in Oklahoma, sex has always been a hot button issue for me. As much as I have always wanted to feel liberated and free, like so many of my friends who grew up here do, I am constantly keeping tabs on how many people I’ve slept with and what my sexual preferences are. The last year of my life has been a circuit of me challenging my moral compass in hopes it will lead to heightened self empowerment and sexual enlightenment. It has taught me a lot about myself, but I've learned discernment more than anything. In my day to day life, I use dance to express my sexuality. I’ve never felt sexier in life than I do on a dance floor. I think that the way I am able to express while dancing leads people to think that I'm this walking ball of sex. But, I'm not. I too get insecure. I'm really shy and awkward around new people. I've had men I've slept with completely "ghost" me. And in serious relationships, I've been cheated on countless times. Sometimes I just want that feeling of sure confidence, sex appeal, and power that I feel when I'm dancing to be tangible in my actual sex life. Which, 9 times out of 10 is nonexistent or on a different kind of “Good Vibes Only”. I like sex. I think the majority of people on this planet who have experienced it do. But why as women, do we place our value and worth on the amount of sexual experiences we have? Why do men do this to us, with terms like "body count" devaluing a sexually invigorated woman before she even opens her mouth? Likewise, the machismo complex heightening rape culture in America by encouraging these same men who place judgements to be very vocal about the sex they've had and with whom. Why is it used determine your status amongst each other? Does it make me any less accomplished, articulate, or worthy of love because I enjoy sex and want to act on desires from time to time? Is a man who has all of his shit together, but hasn’t doesn’t have much sexual prowess a lame duck? If you’re being safe and responsible, will the number of sexual encounters you’ve had really matter to the person that is meant to be with you for your lifetime? I want the answer to be a resounding “NO”, but with the societal standard so harsh and growing up the way I did, I feel like this is a subject that I will always taunt myself about.
One of my affirmations on my bathroom door is “I respect my body and appreciate how hard it works for me.” I wrote that affirmation because I needed to reaffirm and redefine how I was choosing to treat myself. I think what's more important than how many people you're sleeping with is who those people are. What I’m learning in my work with energy, is that it’s all an exchange. In the same way that you can feel the energetic vibration of a person when they walk in a room, energy is exchanged during sex. When you sleep with someone, you are allowing an energetic transfer between your bodies in the most intimate way. If you know that person comes with energetic or emotional baggage, you are accepting that into your vibrational field. If that person is leeching off of your energy when you’re not having sex, they will be able to access it more so during. What could happen if your don’t know that person at all? Which made me think, do I really want to touch souls with just anybody? What skeletons are people hiding in their hearts and mind? What kind of emotional blockages do they have? I want to really know someone, so that I can make the choice of what I allow myself to take on. You have the right to do whatever you want, but I’m choosing to be selective with who I now give my energy to. How do they make me feel? Are they consistently around? Do they expect more of me than they are willing to give? What are their motives? Do they want to be a friend? I’m not saying you can only have sex with your soulmate, but I am saying to be selective about who you let penetrate your deepest energetic layer. Have fun, vibrant, fabulous sex with people who want to know you. Who show up for you. Who care about your needs. Who want to help you grow. Who see your light and seek to give you the same goodness that you give to them. We have the right to be selective and not pressured. I would rather practice self pleasure than to give my body to someone who doesn't want to invest their time and energy into learning me and knowing me, in order to have me sexually...and the sex itself will be better anyway. In this day and age, I’d much rather be a prude than another right swipe.
Shame is a defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior - and shame is definitely what I’ve felt after every lackluster encounter I've had this past year. Today, I affirm that sex is human nature. Today, I affirm to stop “slut shaming” myself. Today, I affirm that my body is precious and worthy of pleasure. Today, I affirm to be more cautious of who I share that pleasure with. And who I share myself with, as a whole. Maybe your shame is different than mine, but whatever it is, I hope that you will affirm something to yourself today and allow peaceful resonance to take over for the mental beating you’ve been giving yourself up until now.
Love, light, and lion vibes,
Hey, again. It's Shonna.
I'm one part dance diva, one part sunbeam, and one part lioness. This blog is a highlight reel of my favorite moments, my travels, my dance classes, and my spiritual journey. It is a place for me to express, share, and heal. Through my journey, I hope to inspire, create, and spread happiness. I truly enjoy making others feel good - about themselves, about their circumstances, about life in general. With any dash of hope, maybe you can feel that way too.